From Pride to Vulnerability

I have recently been contemplating whether being preoccupied with pride diminishes vulnerability. Can Pride and vulnerability co-exist? What is pride? What is vulnerability? Are we able to transcend from a ‘pride’ demeanor and transpire to vulnerability? Just the thought of this makes me feel exhausted! 

 

I feel it is fundamental to understand our onus on our own vulnerability, and how this inter-relates with pride to achieve a state of human connection.  I am starting to absorb vulnerability as an essential component of human relationships that cannot be circumvented no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we can disregard its presence.

 

Pride. It’s complex. I like to think of pride as having several dimensions. The first dimension involves the collective impression of when an individual attains a pre-defined goal, which may, or may not be, associated with small daily accomplishments, substantial achievements or fulfil certain ambitions. This sense of pride, to me, provides you with the dynamics to continue with your aspirations. However, one must be careful as to not allow this pride to turn into arrogance.

 

This takes me to the second dimension of pride, which is associated with arrogance. The nature of pride in this context feeds and inflates the ego. This is where someone is under the false assumption that they are superior to others. I always fought arrogance as a value, it never really seemed to be in alignment with growing to be the human that God would like us to be.  

 

The other aspect is an internal sense of pride which sanctions your belief systems to conform to the notion that you are adept at regulating and controlling any circumstance exclusively on your own, otherwise you perceive yourself as inadequate and weak. This kind of pride, in my view, is not in alignment with being human. The irony is, this has been my reality for many years. I falsely believed I was thriving, but I was merely surviving. We were created to be emotional beings, to support, comfort and serve each other.

 

The last, but not least, feature of pride is the contentment felt when our actions are in alignment with God. It is when you hold on to your virtues, values and resist voracious temptations. This is the kind of pride we should strive for.

 

I now have a better insight as to why living in a state of internal pride, albeit subconsciously, where I shielded my vulnerability materialized in my world. My mind protected me from triggering certain emotions. The paradox is, by defying my own vulnerability, I was precluding myself, and those surrounding me, from the joy of connection and just being human. This was my ‘internal-pride’ at its peak, navigating life for me.

 

What is vulnerability? My favorite definition of vulnerability is Brene Brown's where she defined it as: “vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”. It is not weakness; in fact, it seems to be our most precise measure of courage.

 

As a natural response to any abnormal circumstance encountered in life, resistance comes in as a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort and uncertainty that an uncomfortable encounter often comes with. What was my pride trying to protect me from? The feeling of standing hurt.

 

Can pride and vulnerability co-exist such that human connectedness is not compromised? I have learnt through my personal experiences that pride and vulnerability are not able to synchronize with each other. Transcending from pride to human connection is a profound journey. It involves breaking through many barriers and moving beyond our comfort zones to forge meaningful relationships with others. This involves being vulnerable. If we decide to take the path of vulnerability, I believe we will attain human connection, eventually leading us to a more fulfilling and contented life.

 

I’m starting to acknowledge that the pride I was engaged in, and possibly still am involved in, may be associated with my childhood experiences. At present, I do not feel ready to open the memory box that lies dormant in my subconscious brain. I believe this box has the codes for all the reasoning positions on protecting myself from the hurt I embrace today. I denied it for a long time. Although I am now able to isolate distinct memories that contributed to this conception, I choose not to address them yet. This stems from the emotional overwhelm that I am currently experiencing as I try to unfold the concepts of vulnerability.

 

Painful experiences are too distressing for the mind to fathom; hence my way of coping was to shield myself from any feelings of hurt and pain as to not be perceived as weak. Now, it is up to me to reason with my mind, to dive deeper into the meaning and purpose of those painful encounters. This means I need to be open to vulnerability. Contrary to common belief, vulnerability is not a weakness. In fact, every time we are emotionally exposed, we demonstrate courage as we allow ourselves to flow with discomfort. This compels us to pursue love, hope, faith, compassion, and connectedness. Those tools will enable us to gauge our emotional dynamics, attain emotional resilience, and take us through the path of vulnerability that leads to 'authenticity'.

 

Not long ago, the skill of mastering emotional numbness, as part of the sturdy armor I once exhibited, has been weakened and plagued. A simple gesture of human kindness witnessed, and especially human connection, makes me feel annihilated. The more I try to resist, the more defeated I become. I believe this is because I have started to search for a deeper meaning to life and human connectedness. This has left me overwhelmed emotionally in ways I never thought it would.

 

After years of a number of what one would considerably label as painful occurrences, (which is only part of life and nothing unusual) starting from ruffled childhood experiences, fast forward to adult-hood where I persevered through an abortion, chronic disease, loss and finally arrived at a cancer diagnosis, and unearthed many hidden values and perceptions on life, humanity, religion and culture, I am finally starting to see life from a very different angle now. 

 

All the wounds and hurts I have endured have been disguised by layers of mental beliefs. This rendered constraints on my inborn capacities, generating and enduring distortions of my view on the world. I am just beginning to challenge the recent changes in my emotional dynamics. The mind is wired meticulously to protect us in every conceivable way. My mind did a great job at numbing feelings of pain, hurt, and grief.

 

When we decide to be emotionally numb, we think it is alleviating the pain of our difficult experiences. However, it actually dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity and empathy. Apparently, we can’t selectively numb negative emotions and experiences. ‘When we avoid the dark, we also numb the light’, Brene Brown concludes in her book Daring Greatly.

 

I am learning that my pride, which activated resistance, manifested as hesitation to share my true self. It built walls around who I really am. Transcending from pride, through vulnerability, to human connection is a profound journey that requires courage and compassion. It is a process that allows individuals to move beyond their fears and insecurities, and instead embrace their vulnerabilities as means to connect with others on a deeper level. 

 

Cultivating a growth mindset to shift from pride and resistance to vulnerability is the core of my latest vocation. I am grateful to have come to this realization; however, I still fear connection, which will naturally foster disengagement. The irony here is that I believe being human is about connection! Maybe God has placed distinct personalities and specific situations on my physical plane for me to reveal certain aspects of my existence to enable me to dive deeper into appreciating human connection through understanding myself better. 

 

Our tendency is to push away uncertainties and risks in life, believing that this will protect us. People want guarantees, not uncertainties. This is contrary to humanity's growth. I read a quote that I would like to share; 'When two people relate to each other authentically, and humanely, God is the electricity that surges between them.’ Can we achieve this collectively as humans?