There is another aspect to the definition of success that may add complexity to my current situation and reasoning that stem from social phenomena that individuals acquire within a culture. There is a tendency for the definition of success to be misguided by the notion of career achievement which is frequently absorbed through the narrative of virtuous individuals who are perceived as socially successful in accordance with social norms. But who sets the values for those social norms?
What is the definition of success? Is it only about having a career? Is it about being famous? Is it about making money? Does that mean I will be ostracized from being successful because I choose not to have a career and explore my humanity differently?
The fact that I am a female in a Middle Eastern society comes with its own set of paradoxes that I cannot ignore. I would think that leaving my job would be applauded by society, since I finally decided to behave like a mother and a wife, to stay at home and take care of my family. It is universally acknowledged that being a mom requires you to devote yourself to taking care of your children; there may be compromises, but it is a job that is a part of your life whether you choose to have a career or not. Despite its challenges, there is nothing more fulfilling than being a mother, a sensation that I am confident is universal in nature and which is a feeling that all mothers will be able to relate to.
But, the paradox is that having a career is also summoned with other beliefs. It is generally perceived that a female who has a career is liberated, aspiring to a certain social status, and of course reducing the burden on men by being an additional income generator.
If I choose to leave my job, how will I be perceived by the social norms of society? In the eyes of society, will I be viewed as finally returning to what I should have done years ago? Or are they going to perceive me as being foolish to have left a career that provided a good income for just staying at home? Should I really even worry about it? The answer to this question is clear to me, but it is a consideration I cannot ignore due to the reality of the emotional conflict situation that I must deal with on my own. Society don’t want to acknowledge the concepts of emotional conflict. Whatever society may feel about this, it is imperative that we appreciate that we are emotional creatures, a perspective which is so often neglected in humans, despite it being one of the most fundamental facets of human existence.
I try to negotiate with the voice in my head. If my job stresses me out on an emotional level, isn't that enough for me to justify the decision to leave? I may be physically and mentally fit to work, but society cannot embrace and appreciate that I'm in conflict with myself. I learned from my cancer experience that inner conflict leads to cellular disturbances, leading to dis-ease. I'm on a healing journey, which requires me to be more vigilant and acknowledge the conflicts orbiting around my mind and soul. I realize that the majority will not be able to comprehend the mental impact this has on me on a cellular level, as I am seen on a physical level only.
Part of being human is acknowledging the spiritual and emotional spheres that our physical bodies transcend and respond to,
but from where I come from, this is more of a taboo than solid science. The lack of recognition of this aspect saddens me.
I wonder if other societies share this lack of recognition?
I believe I am in charge of my own health, and part of me wanting to take the decision to leave work is to focus on my health and my inner healing. Of course, I’m also wondering how my children will view all this. Despite that, it is a challenge I feel I am ready for. Maybe I will share my experience on that once I go through the experience itself.
I chose not to follow the recommendations of allopathic medicine. In order to be in control of my own health, I decided to empower myself and society is not familiar with this approach. It was not easy for my oncologist to accept and acknowledge that I am equally responsible for my own health and healing, so how will society receive the notion that as a patient I decided to go ‘against medical advice’, rather than take the easy route and follow doctor’s instructions?
'Don't attempt to continue something you know you can't achieve'. My mind is left in a state of contradiction by this statement. Why can't I achieve? What about the fear of regret? Will I regret staying in my job? Or will I regret leaving the job for a life that is still indistinct, yet to be paved?
I can handle failure if this is a failure, as failures are life's greatest lessons; they build resilience and enable us to move forward. (However, I believe my decision to leave will not mean I failed). What about regret? Regret teaches us nothing as we never tried in the first place. Which one should I fear most, failure or regret? What about trusting God that everything will work out? (Also known as faith). The key to having faith is to be prepared to face the challenges and work through them, then place your trust in God that everything will work out as it should for you. I should master the art of nurturing faith rather than fear.
‘Then when thou hast taken a decision put thy trust in God. For God loves those who put their trust (in Him).’ Sural Al- Imran. Verse 159.
" فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّـهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ" سورة آل عمران، آية ١٥٩.
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