I find my mind wandering away from the game at work and exploring other realms. I could just submit my resignation letter today and quit, look for another job, or even go back to being a stay-at-home mom. As it turns out, the process is more complex than I had anticipated. My mind is preoccupied with questions I don't have answers to, probably only natural given the fact I have no experience in this situation and I'm learning as I go.
What does this profession mean to me? Is it about my current profession, or is it any other profession? Does my job define who I am? I believe that it does on a physical level, but what about on a spiritual or 'human' level? What am I trying to achieve? Is there virtue in achieving a goal? Is there a goal in being virtuous? I don't know.
Am I betraying myself? Am I betraying my team as I contemplate departing? Am I infringing on my profession and the patients I am working with? Am I being selfish to choose 'me', my sanity and undeniably, my health? Is this dilemma stemming from my health concerns? Or am I hiding behind the shield of health because I don't want to admit it is time for me to move on?
I cannot deny that my diagnosis with cancer forced me to view my position at work differently. My goal is to remain in remission, just as I am sure every other person diagnosed with cancer would choose. The task of keeping up with all the things one needs to do to remain in remission is challenging. As a result of my cancer diagnosis, I came to realize that what previously worked for me, may not be suitable now. My cancer experience would be futile if I am to continue with my previous habits without recognizing how they are affecting my feelings. My ability to handle the current situation cannot be based on my pretense that everything will be fine.
As a result of the current work environment I am in, I am compelled to examine every small detail at a micro level and question whether this may contribute to any epigenetic factors that may be associated with a cancer diagnosis. Although I did not explicitly mention epigenetics before, and I may discuss it in another blog post, scrutinizing the details is what led me to all these questions.
If I quit, will I be considered a failure? If I am, realize I no longer have the passion, spark, or inspiration I once had, so does it matter if I fail? Do I have to take responsibility for the fact that I am not motivated anymore? If I were in a different time and space, or without a cancer diagnosis, would the situation differ? Did the cancer diagnosis trigger me to step back and rethink my course of action?
Looking back, I can now identify some signs that I chose to ignore, probably from the first day of my job. In my naiveté, I thought I would ignite a movement for change. How would the profession advance if I did not contribute towards promoting and encouraging change? My motto was 'be the change you want to see'. I was lucky to have a mentor at work who believed in me. Had he not been there, I may have left earlier. Through my mentorship, I was able to grow both professionally and as a person.
I believe that it was my ambition and the mentorship I received that kept me going until the present day. Due to the current political climate, my ambition has been diminished, and, unfortunately, my mentor is no longer as readily accessible as before. This experience has caused me to view things in a different light now.
Those questions have thrown my mind into chaos. Although I don't like these questions, I must deal with them. I would rather ask questions about God, life and existence, but I guess I need to accept that this too is part of the human experience. This experience is also an integral part of the human journey through which I must go through in order to emerge on the other side with new insights and perspectives.
Nonetheless, during my career, I was blessed with the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life. I learned to appreciate and respect patient unique perspectives on life and health. I have encountered sick children during my time, and I have attempted to assist the most vulnerable, to aid in the restoration of their health.
Whether it was a simple conversation or a gesture to help ease their struggles, I always felt truly rewarded by the smile on peoples faces or the gratitude they expressed. I am thankful that I was able to offer assistance that may have made their life a little bit easier.
It was a valuable experience that I will never forget.
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