Guilt. I thought I managed it by concealing all my fears that came with it. The pain and suffering from guilt consumed me, and I finally deceived myself into believing that it had vanished forever.
I was numb to the feelings of guilt. I translated this to 'I'm okay'.
This chapter of my life was sealed, or so I thought.
Cancer and Guilt. What is the link? It is a reasonable question, but is it rational? Can guilt haunt you and affect the cells in your body to cause cancer? You may not find this in the realm of evidence-based science. Coming from a health sciences background, I would not have thought about the relationship between the two had I not gone through the experience myself.
Western medicine fortifies the idea that cancer is either genetic or bad luck. Recently, the possibility that it may be lifestyle related has been acknowledged in some of the more 'sophisticated scientific societies.' I use the phrase 'sophisticated scientific societies' to denote scientific communities that are more tolerant to information that surpass the ordinary paradigms of how cancer is formed in the human body. My journey through cancer allowed me to recognize that there was more to cancer than genetics and bad luck, which did not explain the whole story.
I learned to appreciate that in addition to genetic and physical risk factors, emotional factors are also embraced in the cancer paradigm. The way we respond to our emotions affect our immune response.
To empower the immune response to 'fight cancer', it is imperative
to acknowledge that the immune response is an expression
of the patients' spirit and soul.
Soul refers to the person's capacity for different levels of consciousness and feeling. The spirit refers to recognizing the individual, their creativity, potential and goals. (Reference: Mistletoe and the Emerging Future of Integrative Oncology; Steven Johnson, Nasha Winters, Adam Blanning, Marion Debus, Paul Faust, Mark Hancock and Peter Hinderberger)
Genetic testing revealed that I didn't carry the genes for the most common mutations for breast cancer. I didn't consider myself to fall under the 'unhealthy' category in the physical realm. I have done everything right. I went by the books, diligently exercised and modified my diet as required. Being a diabetic, I invested in further lifestyle modifications, incorporating healthier habits, mainly concentrating on food and exercise. According to the books, I should be perfectly healthy. I question now, what is the definition of health?
I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes during my third pregnancy, just before having my abortion (refer to blog post: guilt part 1) . Reflecting now, I realize that I decided to focus on managing my new acquaintance, diabetes. I falsely thought I had artfully reigned my abortion experience and launched my affair with diabetes. Diabetes was part of me now. The struggles through diabetes were the start of my health journey, on a physical level at least.
Nonetheless, this journey prepared me for the next experiential plane. Diabetes was there to teach me lessons on perseverance, change, acceptance, and also resistance. At that point in time I did not consider all this.
It was after my cancer diagnosis that I was grateful for my diabetes.
The truth is, you are never prepared for a cancer diagnosis. It just hits you, but having a chronic condition gave me the resilience to endure all the nuances that arrived with a cancer diagnosis. The initial phase of my diagnosis transpired fear. I was scared of managing the unknown. Somehow, I disciplined my fears and turned to God. (I believe in God, but you can name it Spirit, Universe, or whatever energy you believe in). I was contesting between science (mind) and soul. All the evidence said that I needed chemotherapy and radiation post-surgery. My physicians thought I was entering a death sentence when I refused conventional treatment that was offered to me post-surgery. I asked God to guide me, to show me signs. I trusted Him, and never before had I felt or seen the Angels of God guard and guide me.
Before I continue, I would like to share a couple of verses from the Quran that accompanied me during my cancer diagnosis that kept me sane.
‘And when I am ill, It is He who cures me’. (Shu’araa, verse 80)
وَإِذَا مَرِضْتُ فَهُوَ يَشْفِينِ (سورة الشعراء، الآية ٨٠)
‘That man can have nothing But what he strives for* That (the fruit of) his striving Will soon come in sight’ (Al-Najm, verse 39-40)
وَأَن لَّيْسَ لِلْإِنسَانِ إِلَّا مَا سَعَىٰ* وَأَنَّ سَعْيَهُ سَوْفَ يُرَىٰ *(سورة النجم، الآية ٣٩، ٤٠)
The first verse anchored my faith. The words assimilated calmness at a time when everything was crashing. The second encouraged me to learn about cancer before handing over my body and decisions to the medical team. Not that I did not trust the medical team, but I also trusted my intuition which asked me to trust my body. Somehow, God and his Angels were opening doors to me, shown me places I never thought existed, and led me to people that provided enormous support through this.
I opted out of western traditional treatment and decided to follow my gut after learning about integrative oncology treatment approaches. This was the beginning of my exploration path. Part of this journey was about re-discovering myself and my fears, opening up to myself to answer questions about who I am. Or who am I not? Am I just a diagnosis? Am I just another human being going through the process of cancer? How have I changed in this process? What is my truth? I returned to the dark side of my 'being' experiences for the first time in years. A side I had denied and pushed away for years. Hello Guilt.
Guilt triumphed. The chronic heightened emotional state created by my regret permitted the perfect medium for cancerous cells to grow in my body. The field of pysycho-neuroimmunology acknowledges this concept and examines how the body's stress response and emotions such as anxiety, fear, guilt, anger and sadness all contribute to weakening the immune system.
My mind was starting to unravel the truth and slowly acquiring the concept that to separate the mind from the body
is against any healing process.
It is said that "times of crisis are times of discovery, periods when we cannot maintain our old ways of doing things and enter into a steep learning curve. Sometimes it takes a crisis to initiate growth". (Reference: Mistletoe and the Emerging Future of Integrative Oncology; Steven Johnson, Nasha Winters, Adam Blanning, Marion Debus, Paul Faust, Mark Hancock and Peter Hinderberger)
As scary as a cancer diagnosis may feel, being mindful of the prospect that it is an invitation to a total transformation, not only on a physical sphere, but in one's entire way of being, will be one of the finest values you can contribute towards your personal growth. It's not only about making external adjustments but also about exploring the subconscious. “When an illness is part of your spiritual journey, no medical intervention can heal you until your spirit has begun to make the changes the illness was designed to inspire.” Carolyn Myss. Anatomy of the Spirit. (Reference: Mistletoe and the Emerging Future of Integrative Oncology; Steven Johnson, Nasha Winters, Adam Blanning, Marion Debus, Paul Faust, Mark Hancock and Peter Hinderberger)
My journey to healing was enriched by the encounter with a spiritual coach who mentored, taught, and illuminated my healing path. It was through his coaching that I was able to gain insight into my conflicts. For the first time in years, I returned to guilt and got hold of the box I thought I had buried.
My journey through cancer added vast information to me. The growth that I contracted on a personal level stemmed from my diagnosis. I realized there is a strong mind-body connection through this experience. I started exploring myself by trying to understand who I am, what I like, where I am in life, what I should be doing, who my people are, who God is, life lessons, parenting, and gratitude. Every little detail materialized from the cancer diagnosis.
Now I appreciate that suppressed emotions play a significant role in the development of cancers.
Diseases start with a traumatic experience that shocks our bodies and souls. Biologically, I have learnt that cancers of the reproductive organs can be related to the conflict of losing a pregnancy. With breast cancer, the overall issue concerns the separation conflict between a mother and her child. For me, that is spot on!
I suggest you further explore Dr. R.G Hamer, the founder of the German New Medicine, who provides fascinating research about the origin, development and healing of diseases and cancer. Dr Nasha Winters, the author of the book 'The Metabolic Approach to Cancer', 'The Cancer Code', by Jason Fang, and 'Radical Remission' written by Kelly A. Turner, are all very useful resources that provide vast knowledge and insight on cancer. They gave me hope when I was stuck in a scary moment.
Almost two years into the experience, I realize I shouldn't be as afraid of cancer. I now recognize that cancerous processes continually happen in the cells of my body and that my immune system keeps them in check.
If you are told to return to everyday life after remission, note that this is an illusion based only on the world of physical facts and measures. While we may look the same on the outside, we are very different now from the inside.
In life, you don't get what you always deserve. You get what you need. Cancer, to me, was precisely this. Did I deserve it? No one deserves cancer. Did I need it? I'm still trying to figure out this part, but after almost two years of being cancer-free, I am starting to see why or how I needed it. Perhaps I was even blessed by embarking on this journey. My health journey has led me to my spiritual path, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Disclaimer: This blog shares a very small part of my journey in dealing with my cancer. It is not advocating against traditional treatment, and I would not recommend you do that. Please ensure you have support from a healthcare provider if you are diagnosed with cancer.
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