'Guilt'. Do you know the exact moment when it enters your world? Maybe you do or don't, and it may not matter. What matters is, are you aware and conscious enough to comprehend what it does to you?
It knocks on your door, you let it in once, and being opportunistic in nature, it permits itself to dive deep into your subconscious mind. Once it arrives there, it starts manipulating your judgements and pretends it cares about you.
As an adult with diverse life experiences, I can now see how I opened the door and allowed 'Guilt' to enter, rendering weakness rather than empowerment, shame and blame rather than remorse. The difference between the two is profound; the latter (remorse) allows you to turn your life experiences into meaning and value through constructive behaviors. The former (Guilt) destroys you by exploiting ingenious mind-conditioning techniques to fool you into feeling you are righteous. If you don't feel guilty about something you have done, it means you are cold, bold, and inhumane!
I sometimes feel as if guilt seeps into every aspect of my life.
I question whether I am guilty of failing to work hard to cultivate a strong relationship with my parents and siblings. How do I measure up to being a ‘good mother’ when I go hiking on occasional weekends rather than spending time with my family? How can I be a good wife if my husband wishes to go on a date night and I am too tired to accompany him? Am I giving my best at work, even when I know I can offer better? How about when my mother was battling a terminal illness, and I was expected to forget that I had a family of my own, that I also had my battles, and was expected to devote my full-time attention to my mom, which I feel I failed at, though I did try my best.
Should I feel guilty for all those thoughts and behaviors? Is it because society has somehow diffused certain expectations on to me as a female? The inherent assumption within my culture precludes that I should embrace the roles of an obedient wife, a dutiful mother and daughter, comply with family obligations, and be loyal to cultural norms.
Rather than listening to what I feel, I must conform to what society expects me to think and feel. As a consequence, my thoughts and emotions reflect guilt as what I genuinely feel doesn't comply with the societal expectations. Have you thought about those social norms? Humans shaped them, so why not question them? Because, if you do, you may fall into the guilt trap.
What is the guilt trap? To me, it seems that we, as females, are subconsciously wired in such a way that society uses
our own feelings of guilt to gain power over us.
Where does this power reside and who uses this power? It feels as though within a middle-eastern milieu, a hierarchy of power exists that is governed by men of religion (also known as sheikhs or imams). A certain amount of power is transmitted to the men within the society who will use this to their advantage, while women, who lack empowerment, perceive themselves as protected without realizing their true feelings are being deprived of them. The reality is, as women, we become programmed to feel and think a certain way, resulting in a subconscious suppression of our true feelings.
When you consider the color black, you will never see any stains, but when you think of the color white, even the tiniest of specks will be revealed. Did God tailor the men in our society to be made from thick dark fabric and the women from light white fabric? Is this how we are led to believe subconsciously? I don't think God tailored it that way. Patriarchal Arabness probably did.
Patriarchal Arabness refers to the cultural norms and values associated with Arab societies, which often prioritize male authority and control over women's lives, and that to me, is where all the guilt arises. Why would we be allowed to question this concept? After all, if we do, we will be taking away the privilege’s men savor upon women. Is it only about cultural or societal authority and power? What about the notion of what it means to be 'human' regardless of gender, race, background and ethnicity? I may write more about this in a different blog. Let's get back to our main character, 'Guilt'.
Should I feel guilty for having a 'human friend' who can transcend beyond a physical plane and understand, hear and see me solely as a human from an intellectual, spiritual, and philosophical realm? A friend I learn from and who shares insights and experiences that align with a common path that may not be necessary in alignment with my spouse's journey? We live in a world where our partners or spouses are assumed to fulfil every possible need that an individual requires. Is that how it works for you? Is that even possible from a purely humanely perspective? I would love to meet that 'impeccable' human that will grant you everything you possibly need. My culture will surely question the term 'human friend', especially if this friend is from a different culture, ethnic background, religion or gender.
I kindly ask that you recite this verse below from the Quran from a different standpoint, think about it away from the traditional norms. I will not go into what I feel about this verse now, maybe sometime later.
"O mankind! We created You from a single (pair) Of a male and a female, And made you into Nations and tribes, that Ye may know each other (Not that ye may despise Each other). Verily The most honoured of you In the sight of God Is (he who is) the most Righteous of you. And God has full knowledge And is well acquainted (With all things) . AlHujarat, verse 13.
)يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ
إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّـهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ(
سورة الحجرات، الآية ١٣
Those experiences mentioned may be humble examples. How about we throw in a big one.
How could you not feel guilty about taking your child's life?
Concurring with the social norms, probably in many cultures and
religions, but even more so from where I come from, this act would make me fall under the 'criminal' category. My story of 'intentional abortion' starts and 'Guilt' becomes my best 'hidden' yet deceitful friend.
Some years ago, I was pregnant, and my unborn child had multiple health conditions which would have led to a poor quality of life within the support system expected to be provided where I reside. I decided to abort her contrary to all the belief systems I had in place. It was against my perceived understanding of religion at that point in time, my culture, and my ethical judgement. I consulted a man of religion (sheikh) at that time, and he pronounced that with my child's condition, it would be 'legitimate' to terminate the pregnancy, although most would not encourage it. It feels like a realm of contradiction now that I write about it.
Guilt kept crawling. It kept nudging me; "How will you cope with this reminder for the rest of your life?" It sometimes came in the form of a deep, forgotten pain sensation. I could not relate to why I was feeling this emotional pain.
Now that I reflect, I realize that after the abortion immediately, I buried everything in a locked compartment; what had happened,
the hurt, the pain and all the other emotions that
came flooding with it.
It was never spoken of. The story goes, I was pregnant, and my child died in-utero. Full stop. Little did I know that 'Guilt' was proceeding to do its vocation in the most meticulous way, and it thrived. This pain that I had concealed and thought was gone forever transformed into a startling physical entity.
'Guilt' came knocking every once in a while. It deceived me. Guilt was evasive. Whenever it knocked on my door, I thought I was pushing it away, but the reality was every time I pushed it away, it pushed me harder. Finally, when it had done enough pushing, my mind could not handle the trauma, so it decided to hand it over to my body.
This time 'Guilt' did a crafty creation and worked on my cells. It turned my cells into a menacing masterpiece. Cancer.
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